This chapter is about a day when my questions and the Universe’s answers flow in a seamless conversation.
Today starts with meditation. I want to organise my activities, or rather to define what I want to achieve, or rather to divine how to go about the day, or simply to relax and let the body move with the flow.
I think about the big project ahead
I remember a conversation where I assumed some sort of political leaning
The conversation left a bad aftertaste and it’s been a few days that I am rolling it in my mouth, trying to distinguish the ingredients
I think I got it now. I assumed a side. Not fully, not in a committed manner, but I allowed myself to sidle up to a side. I spoke it out. As a result, I changed into a persona with a political leaning. I didn’t like the shape of that persona. That’s what was bothering me.
It was an interesting detour designed (as I clearly see now) to take a conscious stance on something I always did instinctively – social affiliations. And now I confirmed to myself: No group belongings for me, thank you very much.
That leads me to think about belonging to religious, political and other egregors as the couse of wars and conflicts in general. I jot a note:
Then I get back to my project and jot down a few points – my usual dot-to-dot exercise. But what do I begin with?
I begin with my birth?
I should introduce myself.
But who am I? Everybody asks this question of themselves. Or do they? Or is it just me? How would I know? Maybe only children…
I begin with my name!
But wait. Why would I even start this project? What do I want with it? Money? There are easier ways… Fame? No way I’d enjoy exposing myself. No. Because I want to know myself. And create myself. Then know the new me. Then to create the next me. Then to know again my new version to be able to create someone yet unknown, ad infinitum. (At this point I remember, the thought that I wrote down yesterday…)
So, that is my motivation.
While eating my lunch, baking scones and cleaning, I browse thoughtlessly through the YouTube clips and choose one randomly. In my earbuds Bashar’s voice tells me: “you are not following your passion for its own sake but for what you think it’ll get you” – and that is the answer to my question that I have but haven’t formed yet. “You have to follow your passion for it’s own sake or you are not being pure about it. You are using it as a condition to get feedback, to be validated by the outside world. The outside world cannot validate you. You can only validate yourself.” This voiced message confirms back to me what I was pondering a while and more clearly recently – all the artists (scientists, inventors etc) who single-mindedly did their thing and the world eventually caught up with them.
The scones are in the oven. The thermostat is broken and the oven tends to burn. Scones are the only baked goods that can survive that. We shall see.
I continue to think about my project and how to begin. Which takes me back to introducing myself, which takes me back to who I am, which takes me back to how a persona is formed, what it constitutes of… Back to some life instances where my ideas of self were confirmed through various messengers of the universe. How do I give a foundation to all these scattered pieces?
The next random selection on YouTube while cleaning after the baking process takes me to the next answer:
The basics of Kabbala. Of course.
I am transported to a thin leaflet I found on the book stalls in front of the Navoi theatre in Tashkent, back in year… 198…-199…
A few decades later I am recognising these strange symbols as me, as part of my journey of re-membering.
Ok, this may roughly work as the structure
And by the way, the only egregore I agree to belong to is that of my family.